Friday, March 31, 2017

Self Destructive Behavior

Good Afternoon,

I know...long time no see. But I have a huge amount of rage inside at the moment and what better way to let it all out then to go on my blog right?

So I just left my psychiatrist appointment, he's the one i see every 3 months for my anxiety meds. Well today wasn't a good day to see him. Lately I've been filled with rage, I just got off my monthly ( sorry TMI I know).And let me start off by saying that me and traffic do not blend at all. I have bad road rage...not the 'go to jail type' but I do flip people off and curse. Well traffic this morning was hell in my little town. I was 20 minutes late to my appointment. I've been stressing about my foot hurting so damn much specially after seeing a podiatrist last year that cost me 600$!!! My weight keeps going up and the fact that I can't seem to find pants that looks half way decent on me sucks!  It's just been a lot of things I guess. My depression comes and goes weekly now, another thing I'm dealing with.

So lately I've been drinking whiskey. I about self destructive behavior. But yes...I've been drinking about 3 days a week. and when I get that least for me - I want to eat, so i do. Then I feel like crap and its just a vicious cycle all over again the next day. I've got to get a handle on this or I'm never gonna see 50!! This year I turn 39 and I want to make myself proud and my family. This madness has got to stop and I mean now. I'm not drinking again. Even if I've had the worst day ever at work...there is no excuse. I have to end this cycle.

Next week i go for a physical. I want to see if I'm borderline diabetes and check my cholesterol level. I take a lot of ibuprofen for my foot so liver function raises an eyebrow too. I'm kinda dreading the results but it has to be done. I pray I don't have to take any more medications.

I'm just poor husband listens but doesn't answer. He just lets me get it out of my system, he's taken a nap right now..bless him. My kids just look at me like I'm nuts, my daughter (15) will ask whats wrong but then she remembers my monthly was just here. My son just plays his video games and stays clear of me.

I won't cry anymore about this problem I have. It's time to do something about it.

I'm blessed in every way and there is absolutely NO reason for me to be this sad every day. No reason at all.

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