Saturday, March 21, 2015

Scared

Morning,

This blog post isn't the most positive so if your looking for inspiration...maybe skip this post.

 These past few days, well heck..this whole week I haven't felt like myself. I wake up sad - and I don't like it. I'm not going to lie, I have been eating whatever the hell I want this week with only two workouts so far. I'm feeling really down =(  I know why too.. I hate looking in the mirror now. I hate the fact that when I sit down I can feel the belly fat pushing on my lungs and inner organs., I don't have anything to wear anymore because I refuse to buy anything. I hate the fact that I lost 112lbs and learned how to eat properly and exercise then I allowed myself to gain over half back. I'm mad at myself. How does one overcome this inner anger? And since I'm asking questions - How do you quit doing something that makes you feel good for just a second? How do you say no more to bad addictions? The addictions I have is of course eating poorly and too much at one time and lately its been alcohol. I'm not suppose to drink alcohol with my medications, and its probably why I'm having the blues lately, perhaps a chemical reaction in my brain.

Sigh - I know I'm a strong person. Its in me and I've proven to myself the things I can do when I set my mind to them. But right now...im feeling like a failure.

Sometimes I wonder why I even have this blog? I'm not on a 'weight loss journey' anymore. I do try..I try really hard. But it just seems that the more I try to lose weight or even stay on track the more it back fires and I get heavier. I'm not in control anymore.
 I now weigh 243 lbs. My heaviest was 273...I'm getting closer by the month - and I'm scared as hell.

If you read my blog please leave me some encouraging words or some kind of supportive comment. I need to know I'm not the only one that is going through this. I feel so alone right now =(



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