Tuesday, February 24, 2015

V*E*N*T - no sugar coating here.

 I woke up feeling defeated this morning. I'm angry and tired of all this extra weight. My mind tends to lean towards one extreme to the next too. It's either throw in the towel or that's its, I'm starving myself.  I keep trying to lose weight, I try to stay consistent but its never long enough to see any real results.

Then I instinctively go back to saying "well, last time I counted calories and worked out 5 days a week, I will just do that again" problem solved.

I wish it was that easy. It was at one point. I counted calories for over 2 years continuously and then watched my calories for 5/6 more years after that. It all came to an end when I was diagnosed with my anxiety disorder and started taking medication. I wish I could go back and slap that zoloft out of my hand, I would have never taken it if I would have known what it would do to me. I just didn't give a rats @ass anymore. I went from a gym rat to a couch potato.

But anyways, I can't live in the past ... its over. I have to figure out what I'm going to do now.

Right now I feel as if I have two ropes tide to either arm, one rope represents my work/family and the other rope is the I-like-to-eat-healthy-and-workout Amy,  together they are pulling me apart. Its exhausting trying to stay in the middle of this tug of war. Right now the work/family side is winning.

Why can't I have it both ways? Why can't I just come home and start working out and just give up all unhealthy food for now? There is no reason why... I wonder if its my depression or anxiety that keeps me down? I wonder if I should increase my wellbutrin (bupropion)? My doctor mentioned it on my last appointment...maybe I should try it?  I've been on wellbutrin now well over a year and I have put on 20lbs since starting it. But is it the medication or my addiction to food?

sigh, I have a lot of unanswered questions right now. I will feel better once this anxiety goes away...I just needed to vent.

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