I'm off work today, I'm up early to get the kids on the bus so my hubby can sleep in. Since I work 5 days a week and he only works 3 ( weekends) , he is the one getting the kids up and going.
I don't really understand my sadness right now? Its not a hopelessness sadness, like depression. I mean, I plan on working out today and cleaning out the refrigerator and I feel up too it. When I was depressed before I didn't want to get out of bed. This isn't depression.
The sadness is about my weight. About how uncomfortable I feel in my own skin. Its about seeing cute clothes and knowing I can't wear them. I miss my old self - and right now, in this moment...I feel as if I will never see that girl again. And it makes me sad.
Yesterday wasn't a great day, I started off good with a banana and yogurt...but ended horrible.
Today will be a fresh new start, but again...I feel like I'm in the roller coaster and can't get off. I feel so frustrated with myself.
My mind keeps going back to those diet pills. If I can just deal with the mood swings for a few months, I could get down and perhaps change my way of thinking about food. Because what I'm doing now isn't working.
I also keep thinking about going to therapy, but the closest one is 80$ a session...and thats something I just can't afford right now. I'd rather do that then the diet pills....
sigh, just venting. Thank you for listening.