Saturday, February 18, 2012

Wake Up And Pay Attention!

I've been in a funk. Its been a very long funk! About a 6month funk. And I'm getting tired of this funky feeling!!!!!!!!

 My medium size work shirts aren't comfortable anymore. My pants are getting snug. I've been wearing my loose fitting pants to work BECAUSE my size 10's aren't comfortable anymore.I've been eating at work and eating out almost everyday. Chinese food, dominos, wendy's, and sick of it!

So what do I do? How can I change this feeling?

First off, im going to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to stop making excuses. I'm going to STOP the little critical negative voice in my head that says "you don't deserve this" because I do. I deserve so much more than what I give myself. 

I want to feel good about myself again. I want to look in the mirror and see positive changes in my body because for the last 6months I have been doing nothing but waiting to gain weight.


I talked to my husband yesterday for a minute. I told him that I'm tired of obsessing about food, about my body, about my appearance. I actually said " would it be so bad if I did gain a little weight?". My husband, who was taking a shower at the time, said..." I don't care if you gain weight as long as you don't regret it! As long as you don't and go back to the way you use to be before losing the weight" He said I was miserable, unhappy...very moody and just a totally different person than I am now.

WHAT AN EYE OPENER! That woke me up! NO I don't want to gain weight and for me to even consider gaining weight tells me that I almost gave up. For the first time in 7yrs I almost gave up on the battle of the bulge and let the fat win. IM NOT GOING TO DO THAT! This is MY LIFE and I control it. Not some damn piece of pizza or chocolate cake. I control ME!
So...since I don't have those weight loss hypnosis cds in my hands yet, I just listened to those motivational cd's by Chalean Extreme. I will listen to them every day until I get those other cd's because I need that motivation right now.  I need her positive message to remind me why Im on this journey. And since im kinda sick of doing Cathe workouts (shhhh, don't tell her that, teehee) I will go back to doing Chalean for a while. Starting today.  I will read over the program and make myself a little print out of the workouts again. They work if you go by the heavy weight lifting theory. And their short workouts but very tough. Very effective.

* cheers* and no, its not whiskey and diet coke. Its water =P

Friday, February 17, 2012

Gonna Try Something New

I stumbled upon these hypnosis cd's  while I was looking up the calories of a meal I had for supper. I went to Dotti's weight loss zone and I noticed that she listens to these cd's at least three times a week to help keep her on track, positive and motivated. That's what I need.

There not to expensive either. Like three payments of 26$. I will order them tomorrow...gotta get the ok from the hubs first.

My day went ok. Im tired, there's a real shocker. I did force myself to get in a mile walk with my daughter, but thats about it. Work had me exhausted and by the time I got home...I was lucky to get in that walk. I did count my calories today and I stayed within my maintenance calories. So I feel good about that.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

In a mood

The problem
I've been in such a crappy mood lately. I'm always tired, i haven't been drinking my water or eating right. I did manage to get in four workouts last week and one yesterday for this week but BOY do I feel bad about my actions. I closed at work yesterday and I recognized anxiety as soon as I got there. My body was tense and as soon as my boss left I had these overwhelming urges to stuff my face.


Lets just say the urges won.

I'm feeling a little defeated this morning.  My therapist said that 'food' is taken up way to much of my world. I shouldn't be obsessed with it as much as I am.

The Solution
To stop worrying about the damage that I've done with my eating. To stop beating myself up over every little thing that I do 'wrong'. Today I will be gentle with myself, today I will nourish my body with healthy food, get in a leslie sansome workout after work ( after all, its just marching in place for thirty minutes - I have no excuses NOT to do this) and I will also smile more today. I will stop thinking 'poor me' and do something about it. I'm not the only women that struggles with this. And if I do have an urge ( which is mostly when I'm alone and thankfully when I work in the mornings I'm not alone) I will stop what I'm doing and retreat to my car. I will meditate and just breath. I can beat this.

Which reminds me, I need to make an appointment with my therapist because I was doing a lot better when I was seeing her. I haven't seen her in over three weeks :(. I blew off my Monday appointment with that hypnosis guy and I should have went. I keep thinking that I can do this by myself and clearly I'm struggling...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I'm suppose to be working out right now....

I set the alarm for 5am but kept hitting the sleep button. Im in no mood to kick up my heals right now. I'm exhausted. I didn't workout yesterday either and it was my day off from work. For the past 10 days we have been in and out of the hospital visiting my poor mother in law.

She's doing better. She survived being taken off life support but we got some bad news yesterday. She will have to live the remainder of her life in her current condition, so in other words - she's not getting much better then she is right now. Her kidneys aren't improving and she is very weak. Her BP keeps dropping and her sugar is all over the place. They are deciding now to either put her in hospice or home care.

I saw the look in her eye yesterday and it said 'im tired of this'.

I've got to get ready for work this morning. I can tell I haven't been eating right and not drinking my water because I don't feel very good. I feel run down this morning. I plan on eating really good today and drinking a lot of water, hopefully i will feel better after work and be able to get in a good, solid workout.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Dear Lord,

It's me, Amy. I know I'm probably not on your best side these days. Yeah, I don't go to church and I do have the occasional bad thought about annoying people, and yeah I do let a curse word slip every now and then when I'm behind some idiot in the car

... but I do pray to you every night and I do apologize for any of my short comings....

I have a favor to ask of you, and its not about me. You have given me so much and I'm so completely happy with my blessings, so thank you again for the people in my life.

The favor that I ask is if you could spare my Mother in Law today. The past 2 1/2 years have been so hard for her so I understand if her time with us is over. I know her body is tired and I'm sure she doesn't want to keep going the way she has been. She has been through so much with all her heart attacks, congestive heart failures and strokes. But the average person would have left us a long time ago...the average person doesn't live through one heart attack, but she has had 6 - I know you have to have another reason for her in this life. 

She will be taken off life support this morning to see if she can breath on her own. I pray to you this morning that she pulls through. I pray to you that my Father in law, husband and family continue to pull together during this difficult time. May your arms wrap around them and squeeze them tight.

In Jesus name, Amen.

August check-in

Morning, Are you having a good day? I hope you can say 'yes I am' cause I'm always having a good day when I'm not at work....