Saturday, January 21, 2012

Stir Me Up

My 2nd appointment with my therapist was...ok. We discussed a lot of things that had apparently been bothering me for a while, and I've been covering them up or pushing them from my mind. She stirred them up again...

Last night my mood was down. Its so obvious to me why....I don't like talking about my childhood or my past. And I told her that too. I told her that what we are talking about I haven't told anybody except my husband and it makes me uncomfortable. She said then we have progress.
My childhood was very unstable and just not a very happy time for me. And like I said, I don't like talking about it openly like that...

She wants me to do hypnosis, thats totally fine with me. I just want to get a better understanding of why all of these emotions are bothering me so much. Why does it hurt so much? Its over! In the past but yet I can't get over it? I eat when I'm stressed out. I eat when I feel any pressure or I feel the need for a hug. I eat because its an instant high...but then its an instant down.

This morning I stepped on the scale and it yelled 175. Im officially up ten lbs from my lightest weight. I feel defeated at this point. But today is a new day and I will NOT give up on me.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Super Women

It was madness from the time I got to work yesterday until the time I clocked out. Just one thing after another....but you know whats REALLY cool about all of it? I didn't care. I looked at every situation like it was a 'job' and nothing more. In the past, before my anxiety medication, yesterday would have had me in a wind tunnel of endless emotions. I would have been so upset by the end of the day I may have had an attack or quit. I tell ya, this zoloft stuff is pretty darn good. It has changed the way I look at life...I can focus on whats important instead of dwelling on whats not or what I can't change.

So, with that said. I passed my certification - barely, by the seat of my britches!! The supervisor was very understanding with my situation. I told her I hadn't had a day off in 9days and  I had closed the night before and had to be at work at 6:30 the next morning. She kept asking "why did your boss schedule you to work the night before when she knew you had a test to do today?"  I didn't have answer to that one?

later, after work I came home and had a sudden burst of energy so I vacuumed my living room and my bedroom, loaded the dish waher, washed and folded two loads of laundry, washed my three dogs and cleaned one of my bathrooms. I felt like super women when I laid my head down on my pillow last night. 


Today is my second appointment with my therapist. Im excited about it but I'm also kinda bummed because I didn't really have a very successful week with all the drama in it. I think I was on plan 3 out of the 7days...and I had one binge. Its a very small step in progress. But on the bright side I did get in 5 days of workouts...which is awesome :)

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Feeling Tired This Morning

And I have to go to work for 8 frickin hours. I haven't had a day off in nine days( I had to work for my boss Tuesday because she couldn't make it to work. I didn't mind because that means over time :) I have a primary Assistant bakery manager certification to do which involves two timed test ( have to make 12 tortes + 1 case of cupcakes in about an hour) I HATE timed test. 

I'm just exhausted, mentally and physically. Hopefully a cup of coffee will wake me up.

Yesterday I had about 600 calories over what I had planned to eat. Which totally sucks because I ate over the day before the same amount. THIS IS WHY IM NOT LOSING ANY WEIGHT - WHAAAA

But at least I got in a good step workout yesterday :) Its all good - its all about the balancing right?

Yesterday at work I was feeling some cravings to binge - im sure it was all the stress that has built up these past few days - so I went out to my car to meditate for about 10 minutes. I couldn't get my mind quiet enough to calm down. My mind wouldn't let me go 'there' ( hope that makes sense) I tried several times, then gave up. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow so I will ask her about this.I ended up having about 5 no bake cookies and an eclair ( that wasn't even worth the 390 calories , but the no bake cookies were awesome, LOL) Its like I just HAD to have this junk in order to go on with my night. My therapist will get to the bottom of this...shes good

Monday, January 16, 2012

Feeling Anxiety

Yesterday I let a co-workers nasty attitude get to me and I noticed a change in my thinking. I kept worrying about things that I wouldn't normally think twice about. I noticed I started having flashbacks on the more negative times in my life. Its so amazing how quickly you can turn all that around with positive thinking.

I came home from work and got in a good workout. Some kickbox with a little leg work after and I felt a lot better, but I was exhausted so I made some coffee. It was about 5pm by that time....and one of the things my doctor told me was to limit the caffeine  So anyways, I drink the coffee after supper and BOOM, my anxiety is back and in full force. But the good news is I didn't cope with it by eating food. I just tried not to pay it any attention, you know...when I caught myself worrying about stupid stuff I would instant switch that mindset back to reality.

so anyways.....

I day at a time, right? Im not going to worry about tomorrow and think about yesterday. Today will be a good day :)

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I Imagine Myself....

...on a beach somewhere tropical. I'm walking through the small rippling waves, breathing in the fresh sea air. Looking out beyond the shore I see a glowing orange & pink sunset in the distance and its the back drop to a brilliant show performed by two very talented  dolphins. I watch as they jump and spin and sing in perfect harmony. My attention is back to shore as I witness seagulls playing a game of 'give me that' with a french fry left by beach goers. I feel a soothing warm breeze rush through me and I close my eyes.....enjoying it with a smile.

That is my happy place. A place I go when I'm feeling the days stress. This is one of the Visualizing techniques that the new therapist encouraged me to do. So far its working. I will go into the bathroom at work or in my car and take a ten minute break so I can relax.

Update: 
So Thursday and Friday weren't great, but yesterday was a good day. I got in a good workout after working all day and boy did it release a lot of stress!!! I didn't have the urge to binge later that night like I usually do. So working out really does help with that. I decided to go ahead and log my calories because it was driving me crazy to not know. I ended up having around 1700 yesterday...pretty good...

later gators....

August check-in

Morning, Are you having a good day? I hope you can say 'yes I am' cause I'm always having a good day when I'm not at work....