For the past few days I've been having really bad dreams. Last night I dreamed that while I was paying a car payment at the car lot I was robbed when walking out and the guy threatened to detonate a bomb if I didn't cooperate. Oddly enough, the only thing he took was the tires off my car. Then he drove off. I just remember feeling very overwhelmed in the dream, you know that frantic feeling that comes with anxiety. Then my dream went in another direction...i was being help hostage by a very disturbed women who had mental issues. I had to out wit/distract her into believing that I was her friend while I waited on the cops to get there.
If you can imagine, I woke up in a very bad mood this morning. Actually, I've been in a grouchy mood for a few days now. Ever since I started eating more on Friday night. I hate that my mood is a direct reflection of what I'm eating and how I treat myself....overeating is a self destructive bad habit for me. Has always been. What I have to figure out is why I go in that direction instead of a more positive one. Why do I deliberately make myself feel bad? I have to start thinking about my feelings instead of eating them.
I keep thinking about my therapy sessions. She asked "do you deserve to feel good? Do you deserve to be at your goal weight?" The answer is YES, ABSOLUTELY! But how do I explain whats going on inside of me when I don't really understand it? What is the cause for this self destructive behavior?
Now that I think about it she explained that 'food' has always been there for me and thats why I turn to it so often when im feeling down.
Its has been a long weight loss journey for me. This is my 7th year of fighting in the battle of the bulge. And I think over all I'm doing pretty well. A 15lb set back is just that - a set back. I little setback considering the amount of weight I have lost. I CAN do this. And I WILL. It starts with believing in myself again :)