Today was a bad day. I woke up just in a very bithcy mood for some reason. Then I went to walmart and intentionally bought cheezits and pinwheels, things I KNOW i don't allow in the house. Ive been eating all day and im sure im pass the 3500 calories mark. :( . Oh and did I mention that im up 15lbs? Yeah...my ass is getting bigger as I type this.....
And get this. I even went through the burger king window to order a cheeseburger and they weren't serving lunch yet. I looked at my watch and it was 10am? What in the hell was I doing ordering a cheeseburger at 10 O'clock in the morning?
When I feel like this I think im the only person in the world who has this problem and I know its not true. If you're reading this...pls leave me a message and let me know im not alone and there is no way im going any where near that scale for the next few days.
I know what started these bad behaviors too. I didn't feel like working out today and because I felt guilty I took it upon myself to binge. I gave myself an excuse to eat. Doesn't that sound crazy? I GAVE MYSELF AN EXCUSE TO EAT.
This madness has to stop. Its driving me up the wall. I've been to therapy, im taking medication for anxiety but still I'm doing the same things over an over again. The same questions keep running through my mind. "What am I doing wrong?" "Why do I deliberately hurt/punish myself over and over again?" " Do I deserve to lose weight?" " Am I a good person?" "what is stopping me from my goal?"
sigh, don't mind me. Just having a little episode right now.