Saturday, August 20, 2011

A New Day

Today I had to go back to work - Back to reality. It was hard, i had a teary episode in the freezer while my boss was in there,  but I pushed through it, It helps that I  really do like my job.

I mentioned in an earlier post about my appointment yesterday - first time I've ever seen a psychologist. It was similar to the clinical psychologist that I saw about a month ago except he was more concerned about my diagnoses instead of what caused it. So he recommended that I go back to the therapist in addition to seeing  him.
I will for a while...but thats kinda expensive. Maybe I will see both just once a month?

I'm not Bipolar, he said the symptoms that I was describing seemed to be more focused on anxiety so he diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder and prescribed a mild anxiety medicine(Buspirone). He also said that he would prefer that I stopped taking St. Johns Wart. So for the next three weeks I have wean myself off of that while taking my new meds.

He was nice...I liked him. I started taking the new meds yesterday and so far i haven't experienced any side effects. He gave me his email address so I can keep in touch with him, thats pretty cool.

Eating & Workouts
Yesterday I did 4ds bootcamp along with biceps and triceps. I love this series and its nice to not have the pressure to workout everyday. I workout every other day and on my days off,if I feel like walking the dog or jumping on the treadmill, I will. But its not a big deal if I don't.

Yesterday I also started back to counting calories. I took some time off and I think im ready now. I'm going by what myfitnesspal says. My lowest is 1600 + I eat my workout calories. Its the only way to go...without binges or feeling deprived.

Have a great day :)

Thursday, August 18, 2011


The kids just left for school, im up drinking coffee.

After the tragedy that happened on Monday, its all Ive heard. I'm so sick of seeing it on TV, Radio, internet.  The fact that my grandmother passed away is hard enough but HOW she passed is too much for me to absorb. Its personal, i feel like the whole world shouldn't know what happened.  It shouldn't have happened - and it makes me angry thinking about it.

There isn't going to be a funereal or a viewing, she will be cremated.

I start back to work on Saturday, tomorrow is my first visit with the psychologists, I'm getting nervous and excited. I feel like I'm on the right path with just feels right. I just hope when i leave i feel the same way. I quit going to that just seemed to be a waste of time and money. 

I started doing 4 day split by Cathe Friedrich on Monday, I plan on doing the series as is -4 days a week with some dog walks in between.

Yesterday I did LIS/shoulders,core and calves. It was hard because there is a sad song (well, it was sad to me - in the moment) during LIS that broke me down. I was crying and working out. Its during the second blast. I got through it by the grace of god...i felt his (or perhaps my grandmothers) uplifting spirit surround me and give me strength to finish. At least thats what it felt like to me.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Eye's Wide Open

First off, my grandmother was tragically killed yesterday.

 Here is a link and picture of my grandmother...this happened yesterday evening around 5pm

If that isn't enough to throw someone into shock...i just got a call from my mom and my other grandmother (her mother)  is in the hospital suffering from a heart attack and now she has kidney failure. She isn't expected to last too much longer.
WTH? How does one deal with this? Im losing both my grandmothers in one week.

I've been eating all day...its the only thing that makes me feel better. But right now, I feel really bad.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Sunday + Monday update

Sunday August ,14th 2011
Yesterday . I woke up with a racing mind that never really stopped through out the day and had good energy. I don't mind the energy part, but the racing mind SUCKS! Just constant thoughts and their usually about  what I need to pay, or do for the day. Its never-ending. Think I will start writing it all down and see if that helps?

I drank some Chamomile tea to calm my nerves and it helped a little. I've heard of Kava Kava helping a restless mind...may have to try that. But with my addictive behavior - I won't be able to try it very long before I get hooked. My Docs appointment is Friday morning and BOY I CAN'T WAIT. Im not looking for an instant cure here but im looking forward to his advice.

Monday August, 15th 2011
Its 67 degree's outside..i plan on throwing on some clothes and walking my lab in a few minutes but wanted to check in right quick. 
So the last few days I have been dealing with really bad urges to eat. Borden, stress, nerves...who knows why - im sure its a little bit of everything but there's not a doubt in my mind that the weight will start piling on if I don't get a grip on this today!  We went grocery shopping last night and I picked up some low calorie food, yogurt, fruit, whole wheat crackers , low cal cheese for snacks and our supper this week isn't too high calorie as long as I stick to one servings. I'm making stew beef tonight an I will make sure to pick out just a serving of the beef part and lots of veggies ( eyeballing the potatoes of course). I plan on eating side salads with always lacking with the veggies. Maybe I will buy some V8 low sodium juice to supplement that.

I don't want to gain any weight back, the scale has been stuck at 168 for about a week now. Not sure about today weight - hubby put it up, away from me. I will weigh on Saturday morning. 

I got some advice from my boss too about eating. She watches what she eats during the week and on weekends she's allows a little more. Thats a good idea, but first I have to be able to get through a whole week of eating good. So today is day #1 of back on track. And its going to be a sturggle because there is Nutella and chocolate graham crackers in the house :0

A Theory
In past post I have mentioned about my additive behavior as a teenager,  I was hooked on street drugs. None of the hard stuff (needles) but i had my share of experiences with them.  Well, It dawned on me that I replaced those bad habits with food right before I met my husband (about the time I quit using). Thats how I gained all that weight. My Therapist hasn't gotten that far yet...this is something that I thought off the anther day while doing laundry ( mind was racing that day)
To be honest...the therapy isn't going like I expected it too and im considering not going back to her. She's great, really - but  we talk more like friends and after leaving my last appointment with her my first thought was "why am I going to her again?" 

Maybe I need to see if I can find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders? Dunno, lets see what my doctors says friday....

Well, over and out and until next time my friends :)

Just a quick update...gotta pop in and report my workout. First I walked the dog for 20mins then did Cathe's 4ds HIS+B&C. It was a great workout. Really proud of myself for getting it all in :)

August check-in

Morning, Are you having a good day? I hope you can say 'yes I am' cause I'm always having a good day when I'm not at work....