Friday, July 01, 2011

Day #6 Reprogramming My Brain

Its been 6 days since Ive stopped counting calories and im feeling less anxious. Yesterday I actually asked my husband if I 'looked like Ive gained weight'?  Even though the scale is hovering around the same #'s. Isn't that typical? I have to reprogram my brain. Its hard...but isn't everything worth having hard?

I found a sponsor. And my OA books are on the way. I have to come up with a food plan. Not sure what yet? I know refined sugars and processed food is one of my problems. Im waiting on my books to come up with a plan. Maybe I will ask my Sponsor to help me too.

Im off work today and tomorrow, thank goodness. Im still working out with the supreme 90 program and really loving it so far. Short workouts but intense.

ok...just a quick check in. :)

Thursday, June 30, 2011

An Awful Dream

Wow...dreams can be so real! My dream last night was so real that I woke up with tears in my eyes.

In my dream I had lost my job, it was heartbreaking. I work in a bakery! I have been there for about 4months now and its the most exciting, challenging job that I've ever had. I absolutely love it!  I get to decorate cakes and bake cookies,brownies. Make fudge and cupcakes. Its fabulous! You would think that with my issues with food that all this would bother me...but it doesn't. I don't have any problems until i get home.

So in my dream, when my boss told me that she 'didn't need me anymore' i was shocked! It felt like a ton of bricks had just been dropped on me. I was soooooo sad.

I wonder if this dream has anything to do with the tylenol PM that I took last night for my aching legs...LMAO =P I'm willing to bet my left arm that it does ;-)

so...still working out with Supereme 90, still not counting calories. Today is day #5 and wow, its hard to not estimate the cals in my head. I did last night and came up with about 1600 -lol. I logged onto to my online food diary and ALMOST started counting calories again today. There's this frighten feeling inside that if I don't keep up with my calories I will gain weight. And this is simply NOT true for me. I know what to eat and when and how much. I have to gain control and learn to trust myself and my body again. :)

The reason for me stopping this calorie counting obsession is just that - its become an obsession and any obsession that ends in feelings of either sadness (because i went 30 calories over my daily limit) Guilt ( because of the previous reason) or a blow to my self estem has to go. I need to work on my self esteem...i still have body image issues and I have loss control over the very thing that keeps me alive, food.  (food and Greys Anatomy =P)

will keep you guys updated :)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A Break Through

So I actually spoke (or typed) at a online OA meeting last night. It felt absolutely wonderful to speak up about my awful disease. And to even call it a disease makes me feel weird because in my mind, an awful disease is like Alzheimer's or M. S . not over eating. But it is.  

Disease: A disorder of structure or function in a human, animal, or plant, esp. one that produces specific signs or symptoms or that affects a specific location and is not simply a direct result of physical injury.

In my meeting yesterday I told them i was sick and tired of counting calories, tired of being scared to death that I was going to gain weight, tired of working out just because I had a extra slice of pizza and then stated that it has been almost 6yrs since ive lost my weight and im very proud that I haven't gained any weight back. I said that I needed help and that I could no longer do this by self. then when I was done I had so many people relate and applaude and just 'nod' when me...it felt so uplifting. I had my first break though.  I instantly knew that i was among others that understood what I was going though.

So, now I have to make a decision if I want to go to a face-to-face meeting to find a sponsor or get one online. We can call our sponsors too if we ever need them.  Since I have a huge online support system with my exercising (group of ladies that I check in everyday with to help keep me motivated to workout and some of them also are very supportive with my eating, which helps)  I figure i will try and go the online route with my OA too. I just have to order the books and there not that expensive. Both books ( 12 steps + workbook) equal around 20$'s.


I'm excited about this. For the first time in a VERY LONG TIME i feel like im taking control. I have surrendered my burden of this disease to a Higher Power, i can't do this by myself any longer. I know on this blog I have never spoke of God but since I was very little ( both parents were Jehovah Witnesses and my husbands family us to  go to church,) i have had a speaking/praying relationship with him.

Im not counting calories, just watching what I eat and eating when I'm hungry. I can't eat just because im moody...its hard. but this is the only way to do this. I can't wait for my books to get here. then I can start on the 12 steps :)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Baby Steps

I went to two online OA meetings today. I was there, reading but didn't speak ( or type, in this case).
 You can reach those meetings by visiting this link

http://oa12step4coes.org/meetings.html

It took me a few times to log in and realize i can't 'speak' until called upon. Everyone has there turn to speak...otherwise we listen and give support. There are several online meetings through out the day. So its very helpful if you can't get to a face-to-face meeting. 

The first meeting was extremely emotional, I could definitely relate to most of the speakers that were sharing there experience with compulsive eating. I think once i feel more comfortable with the whole online process, I will share some of my experiences too.

I just put The Twelve Steps of OA  on hold at the library. I know I said in an earlier post that I was going to go to a meeting tonight but there is something holding me back. I want to learn more about it before I go...so I will read the book and maybe visit some more online meetings before going to my first official face-to-face meeting. It's very intimidating to me to go and spill my guts to a group of complete strangers. ( but I'm sure its that way with everyone)

Until then, im not counting calories. Im sick of it all. My body will tell me if Im hungry, it will let me know. Its extremely hard sometimes, specially when Im at work but I find that If i just keep myself busy that 'thought' leaves...

ok, just checking in :) I did supreme 90 Shoulders and arms today and of course it ROCKED. I also cleaned up my kitchen and got three loads of laundry done... 

Monday, June 27, 2011

OA

I've decided to go to a local OA meeting tomorrow. I can't change my mind...not after what happened Saturday night. I had a really, REALLY bad day and it ended in  HUGE binge. I have to get to the core of these issues otherwise i will binge like this every time I have a really....really bad day.

will bb after the meeting. Hopefully I will have a  positive experience. :)

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Its Always Something

Im sick of running to food every time life gets hard?  Im sick of being insecure sometimes, having those negative thoughts come at me from all directions and it taking every ounce of focus that I have to fight them off.  I lost focus last night and woke up in a VERY pissed off mood. Im mad at myself this morning. I can do better.

I wish there was a happy pill in life. I wish it WAS that simple.  Im sick of beating myself up every time I 'think' im doing something wrong? My GOSH the sun will still come up tomorrow-its not the end of the world.

  The past few days at work haven't been very fun, just extremely over whelming. Yesterday was another one then I get some bad news. My husbands car broke down - its on the side of the road right now. He has no idea whats wrong with it and he has no way to work. We're trying to get a co-worker of his to maybe drop him off or pick him up then I could do either or until we get old reliable fixed ( older ford car) We have to get a wrecker to pull it here sometime today. I have to be at work in a few hours and he just got off work a few hours ago so he's sleeping right now.  BLAH -when do we get the car home again? *shrug shoulders*

Its always something.

August check-in

Morning, Are you having a good day? I hope you can say 'yes I am' cause I'm always having a good day when I'm not at work....