Saturday, May 21, 2011

Slap In The Face! :(

Yesterday's post is like a slap in the face this morning, seriously....it takes a lot of pride-swallowing for me to admit that i went into the garbage can and pulled that cake out last night and ate two pieces with a glass of milk. I SHOULD have doused the damn cake with dish washing liquid...sigh.   I also stepped on the scale this morning for some reason, thinking it would be down because ive been so good the last three days and NOPE, it was up another lb.


Honestly, i can't wait to get something going with this issue. I know I have a problem...and I need help.



I'm sick of weighing everyday!
I'm sick of sabotaging myself !
I'm sick of always thinking that food will make me feel better...... I don't feel better this morning.

*******Today is another day. :) I've got to stay positive.******

Friday, May 20, 2011

Time to Take OUT the TRASH!

Yesterday I wanted Chocolate cake. I bought a sugar free chocolate cake and cut it in 12 slices ( a serving size) then I brought a slice of it to work. I was happy with that one slice...but there were still 11 slices at home that I had to 'deal' with. (and YES, its that dramatic around here when it comes to "trigger foods" in the house for me) So, I sent home 3 slices with my brother...and he ate some while he was here. My kids had some and DH did too. I ate one after supper today and there are three slices left. THEY HAVE BEEN TAUNTING ME ALL DAMN NIGHT! So finally I said ENOUGH!
***Ahem*** 
Follow the pictures please :)

Bye Bye Birdie...
If felt AWESOME to through that cake away...and I actually went in the kitchen with EVERY intention of eating all three of those peices but I stopped and spoke to myself out loud and asked "Why?" Why do you want to eat this cake when your not hungry?" reality set in and i decided to through it away. SO EMPOWERING! I almost opened up the cake package and poured dish washing liquid on them :P - decided not to waste good dish washing liquid,lol 

(anybody see that episode of Sex And The City when Miranda pours dish washing liquid all over a chocolate cake she made and couldn't stop eating? hilarious)

No workout today but I've been super busy, I did manage to count all my calories today..ended at around 1800 or so. still haven't finished with some chores yet but I needed to blog  and get some of my 'feelings' out. What those pictures don't show is a sink full of dirty dishes...off to clean them.  

F*R*U*S*T*R*A*T*E*D

The scale has me frustrated. I wish I had the courage to either take a sledge hammer to it or to just put it up for a month. Another thing that has me frustrated is my Mother-n-Law is here this morning. Her health has plummeted since last nonmember and she needs 24/7 care now. Her sister was the one watching her most of the time but there arguing right now...so she is here. And my MIL and me have never really got along that great so its hard to have her here...but I didn't say anything to my husband when he asked. How can I?

I've been doing very well for the past few days with my eating but the scale showed I was up 3lbs this morning, WTH? Whatever!  I'm not going to let my weight this morning distract me. I plan on measuring tomorrow so that # is more important that what any scale can say to me. I've been repeating in my head what my sister told me the other day "Food will always be there, anything you crave isn't going anywhere, take care of yourself right now' And it seems to be working :)

I started reading a book Kay Sheppared called "Food Addiction, the body knows" So far its pretty good. Im only in the first chapter but its very interesting to learn how the body reacts to different foods.

I still plan on going to a therapist after things calm down around here. And I plan on going to that OA meeting if I'm able to on Tuesdays. I will continue to keep you guys updated on that...

Anyways...thats my update. :)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Casey Was Her Name...

SO MAD.....

Were going on a short get-a-way trip this weekend right... so, i made reservations at a hotel last Thursday and  shortly after that I canceled them because my mom suggested a better hotel that was a little cheaper. Well, the reservations required a 72 hour cancellations which is today. I canceled the FIRST TIME Friday, the lady didn't give me a cancellation # and I thought that was odd...so I called today to confirm my cancellation...and guess what? IT WASN'T CANCELED.  I was FURIOUS!!!  I talked to the manager and of course he apologized over and over again but that still doesn't change the fact that my card would have been charged if I didn't check the cancellation.  He canceled it for me and gave me a code and assured me that my card wouldn't get charged! I told him the name of the lady that told me it was canceled, Casey. ( I always right down names,lol)

...OH MY GOSH......Breath Amy

ok, busy day today. Dentist appointment for me because a tooth was throbbing yesterday and today it seems to be fine but im still going.
I have to get a tire for the car and get groceries then work later....

Breath Amy

No workout today. Yesterdays workout was pretty good. CLX Lean circuit 3 + about 20mins of step aerobics. My food yesterday was good. I ended the day at around 1800, that # plus the # of calories I burned should put me at a nice Deficit for the day :)

I discovered over the last couple of weeks that i have to have that control with counting calories. If I don't know how many calories i had ...i suddenly weigh about 10lbs heavier, in my mind :/ . Maybe OEA or the therapist I plan on seeing can help with that problem...Yikes.....

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A New Day -Empowering!

I've had to do a lot of soul searching the past few days. There are some things that I can't explain, emotions I still can't explain, but there is one thing that I can not deny...I'm not happy at my current weight. That is the one that that is unmistakable right now. That is my solid ground. My foundation.  I'm NOT happy at my weight and why should i go on being unhappy?

Last night we went to a ball game and I allowed myself to eat a double cheeseburger and split a fry with my husband, it was delicious and when those thoughts came " I shouldn't be eating this, i don't deserve to eat this' I pushed them out of my head. I'm tired of beating myself up over food. I was at a base ball game, alone with my husband and eating there is part of the experience...may sound like an excuse, but so be it. I knew I was going to a baseball game yesterday so I didn't eat much before hand. Maybe 700 calories.

I had a good time. The Atlanta Braves beat the Houston Astro's 3-2!!

My sister, one of those freaks that gets to eat anything she wants and never gains weight, she doesn't workout and doesn't drink water....she suggested that I simply say " Food will always be there, take care of yourself right now" every time i have an urge! Every time i feel like i have to eat something, a gentle reminder that it won't be going anywhere. And wow..it gave me so much power!

Today is another day! 
I'm going to forget about yesterday and the past :) 

On the agenda today
CLX lean circuit 3 and I may get on the treadmill and get in a nice power walk or run interval. Will see. Later on in the day I have work.

Update on Therapy
I found a Over Eaters Anonymous meeting for Tuesdays that is close by. I have to work tonight or I would attend but I plan on going next Tuesday. I'm gong to try this first before I go to a therapist. :)

Have a great day :)

Monday, May 16, 2011

A Rough Phase?

Yesterday I posted about seeing a Therapist. I talked with my husband and my family (mom and sister) about it and all three of them said they didn't think I needed one? They all said that i was just off track right now and when I get my mind set again I would be fine. My husband reminded me that even though i haven't been successful in losing much weight lately - I have succeeded in keeping what I've lost off and that IS a big deal and I was just going through a rough phase right now, it would all smooth over soon.

He's right...why do I always concentrate on the negative?

Now they have me second guessing the therapist, they see something in me that I couldn't find yesterday...yesterday i was lost and felt overwhelmed with failure.

I also spoke to a cyber friend and she suggested that I was 'living in the moment' and experiencing intense feelings that would pass. (much like those urges that I feel right before a binge, those urges...if ignored, do pass and do seem to lose power)

And those intense feelings did pass...today i feel much better.But what happens tomorrow or next month when those feelings come back? Can I let them pass again ( im guessing I will since I don't really have a choice, LOL) And the question still lingers....do I need a therapist.
 
Oh, who knows? Meanwhile I have this blog that helps get all the 'blahs' out of me!

I think whats going on with me is im not sure how to eat normally, without dieting. I have proven to myself over and over again that i know how to lose weight and I obviously know how to gain weight but there is that balance in-between that i struggle with. Its either all or nothing for me when its pertaining to food.

And I seem to obsess over it....another reason for a therapist -LMAO

ETA-Reading over yesterday's comments and I wanted to thank you for posting them :)

Ms. PJ, wanted to thank you for your suggestion on the over eaters meetings...i found one close by and I think im going to give them a try first.



Today is CLX Lean circuit 3 and I will walk the dog as soon as I eat my breakfast. The kids are starting there last week of school and im thankful for that. No more early mornings (unless im on donut duty) for me for a while :) Yay...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Reached Bottom :(

Yesterday was another failed attempt to count calories. I ate...oh boy did I eat last night. Supper was what I had planned, pork chops and instead of a baked potato, I made me some mixed veggies with sauteed garlic rice. It was quite tasty...and I was full afterwords. I had a snack planned later in the day and  that would have made my day end around 1650 . That would have a been great. Then...when that 9 o'clock hour hits those urges start. That overwhelming. tightly bound, bundled up ball of mixed emotions. How is one suppose to determined what they all mean? There is only one thing that my brain interprets from it - EAT, EAT NOW...EAT A LOT. 

Started off innocent enough, i had 120 calories to work with for my evening snack. So I made a half a sandwich. Apple jelly and small amount of natural peanut butter. Then i sat down in the living room and still felt those urges. There so overwhelming. I then made a conscious decision.... i decided to give into those urges, again.

I ate a ham sandwich with baked dorito's. Then i had a bowl of honey nut cheerios with a banana cut up on top w/2% milk. Then I ate a fiber one bar....and maybe 20minutes later, which gave my stomach a little more room, i ate a chocolate protein bar because it was the only chocolate I've allowed in the house.

:(

I'm not sure what to do at this point? Feeling like a big fat failure..

I have to go to work later, and its either going to be easy to avoid all those bakery treats or its going to be a catastrophe .....i will have to make another conscious decision before i go. I can't let this get me....im just not sure what to do yet? If there is any advice -ANYONE out there has for me, I'm all ears.

Update-I'm calling a therapist tomorrow to schedule an appointment. Its time for me to face this problem. I will keep you all updated on the appointment. I'm excited because not only is she a 15minute car ride away but she accepts my insurance :) I need help so i'm reaching out for it :)

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