So I actually spoke (or typed) at a online OA meeting last night. It felt absolutely wonderful to speak up about my awful disease. And to even call it a disease makes me feel weird because in my mind, an awful disease is like Alzheimer's or M. S . not over eating. But it is.
Disease: A disorder of structure or function in a human, animal, or plant, esp. one that produces specific signs or symptoms or that affects a specific location and is not simply a direct result of physical injury.
In my meeting yesterday I told them i was sick and tired of counting calories, tired of being scared to death that I was going to gain weight, tired of working out just because I had a extra slice of pizza and then stated that it has been almost 6yrs since ive lost my weight and im very proud that I haven't gained any weight back. I said that I needed help and that I could no longer do this by self. then when I was done I had so many people relate and applaude and just 'nod' when me...it felt so uplifting. I had my first break though. I instantly knew that i was among others that understood what I was going though.
So, now I have to make a decision if I want to go to a face-to-face meeting to find a sponsor or get one online. We can call our sponsors too if we ever need them. Since I have a huge online support system with my exercising (group of ladies that I check in everyday with to help keep me motivated to workout and some of them also are very supportive with my eating, which helps) I figure i will try and go the online route with my OA too. I just have to order the books and there not that expensive. Both books ( 12 steps + workbook) equal around 20$'s.
I'm excited about this. For the first time in a VERY LONG TIME i feel like im taking control. I have surrendered my burden of this disease to a Higher Power, i can't do this by myself any longer. I know on this blog I have never spoke of God but since I was very little ( both parents were Jehovah Witnesses and my husbands family us to go to church,) i have had a speaking/praying relationship with him.
Im not counting calories, just watching what I eat and eating when I'm hungry. I can't eat just because im moody...its hard. but this is the only way to do this. I can't wait for my books to get here. then I can start on the 12 steps :)