Thursday, June 30, 2011

An Awful Dream

Wow...dreams can be so real! My dream last night was so real that I woke up with tears in my eyes.

In my dream I had lost my job, it was heartbreaking. I work in a bakery! I have been there for about 4months now and its the most exciting, challenging job that I've ever had. I absolutely love it!  I get to decorate cakes and bake cookies,brownies. Make fudge and cupcakes. Its fabulous! You would think that with my issues with food that all this would bother me...but it doesn't. I don't have any problems until i get home.

So in my dream, when my boss told me that she 'didn't need me anymore' i was shocked! It felt like a ton of bricks had just been dropped on me. I was soooooo sad.

I wonder if this dream has anything to do with the tylenol PM that I took last night for my aching legs...LMAO =P I'm willing to bet my left arm that it does ;-)

so...still working out with Supereme 90, still not counting calories. Today is day #5 and wow, its hard to not estimate the cals in my head. I did last night and came up with about 1600 -lol. I logged onto to my online food diary and ALMOST started counting calories again today. There's this frighten feeling inside that if I don't keep up with my calories I will gain weight. And this is simply NOT true for me. I know what to eat and when and how much. I have to gain control and learn to trust myself and my body again. :)

The reason for me stopping this calorie counting obsession is just that - its become an obsession and any obsession that ends in feelings of either sadness (because i went 30 calories over my daily limit) Guilt ( because of the previous reason) or a blow to my self estem has to go. I need to work on my self esteem...i still have body image issues and I have loss control over the very thing that keeps me alive, food.  (food and Greys Anatomy =P)

will keep you guys updated :)

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