Thursday, October 07, 2010

Crazy B*tch!

This post is to help with my emotional eating. It may be TMI for some people and i apologize for that, but i feel it will help with my food addiction. This is me dealing with my emotions instead of eating them.

 Friday, Oct. 1st


MAN, what a crappy night i had last night. Ever been physically tired but not mentally? I laid my head down at 12am but only to toss-and-turn and pop my eyes open every hour to glance at the alarm clock. I had this unsettling feeling when i went to bed. I want to say it was anxiety and it was very intense last night =[

Before going to bed i kept thinking about my childhood. For some reason I always seem to focus on the bad? And it wasn't that bad,.but i would say it wasn't anything average. Whatever average is.

Now, let me start off by saying that i'm not one of those people that likes to b*tch about her childhood regularly. I try to learn from my past instead of linger in it.  But, there are somethings that i have to get out of my brain before i go efffing crazy!  I've mentioned before that i was a very rebellious teen right? Well....

The first thing that comes to my mind when i think of my childhood is Drugs. No...i didn't do drugs when i was a kid...but teenager, yeah, i experimented.  I was introduced to drugs around my mid-teens. So in other words, from about the age of 15 up until right after my 19th birthday i was pretty much under the influence of something. I experimented with almost all the street drugs that i could get my hands on...except for the hardcore stuff, you know, like the ones that require a needle..*cringe* At least i was smart enough to stay away from the those.

But anyways, my mind always goes back to the last time i used. It was Christmas day and oddly enough i wasn't at home. I had just turned 19 that past November. I was hanging out with other druggies that night. We had been using a controlled substance for most of the night and by mid-morning we were basically incoherent. To make a long and disturbing story short, I can remember somehow driving home and laying on my bedroom floor, feeling my heart racing and praying to the Lord to help me... Don't let me die...i will never do drugs again! I was scared to death and crying!

Much later that day - because i must have fainted then woke up,thank goodness - i went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and said out loud' You will never do that again" and I stayed true to my word. I've been clean ever since that night.


The drug abuse is something i regret, feel very ashamed of and I don't talk about it a lot. I use to really resent my parents for not stepping in...but honestly, i was so out of control back then that maybe there was little that they could do? Besides tie me up in a closet somewhere(lol) I  remember them always confronting me but  i would only deny it all. Play dumb. Once my dad took away my keys thinking that would stop me. Well, i had already had a copy made- so it didn't. I think they kinda gave up after a while. I tell ya, i put my parents through a lot of grief and that eats away at me too  :(

Sometimes i play the what if game and it drives me insane. What if i never went down that road? What if i would have stayed in school instead of dropping out?

Sometimes i wonder if maybe i should  get on some anxiety medication or antidepressants. But will they really help?  But then there's that little voice inside my head that says you can do without those things, you don't need them...

sigh, i don't know? 


So, because i want to end this post on a happy note. I will say some positive things about my life! I quit doing drugs by myself. I got my GED then went onto technical collage to get a certification in medical billing and coding. I immediately quit smoking cold turkey when i found out i was pregnant with my daughter. I've lost 108 lbs by myself with diet and exercise. And the best thing of all...is my family! I have a loving and very supportive husband who never judges me and is very encouraging about anything i do. I have two healthy and completely amazing kids that I absolutely adore and can't get enough of. I love being with them...they always make me laugh =)

2 comments:

  1. I'm proud of you for posting this girl. I always say that the one person we can never learn to forgive...is ourselves. Sounds like you feel that way, too. But we've got God..and he forgives us. And you CAN leave the past where it belongs...behind you...and keep looking forward. That last paragraph was full of amazing things that you, YOU, have accomplished. Look to those things..be proud of them...enjoy every moment. You're no longer the girl you used to be, and trust me honey...we ALL have a past...I've got one I'd like to forget to, and have for the most part. If you can't forgive yourself, then at some point you just have to let it go and never look back. If you need meds to do that...then get them. I just started my anti-depressant a few days ago and I've let the shame of that go, too. I think you're a fantastic person and you deserve every happiness in your life. Let's start today and leave the past where it belongs...behind you. Look ahead...you've still got a lot of amazing things to accomplish and enjoy. :)

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  2. You have accomplished so much and you are doing a great job!! It sounds cliche, but really there is no sense dwelling in the past and it is so awesome that you recognized that you can learn a lot from your past!!! I am so happy for you and all your accomplishments. Keep it going girl!

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Thanks for reading!!

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