Monday, November 13, 2017

Temporary Feelings


Hello All,

I'm not sure why all of a sudden I started having these terrible symptoms but there just about unbearable. I keep calling the new psychiatrist I see in January to see if they have an open appointment. I was just told that there are two people in front of me.

I'm anxious, the feelings come and go...but when they go its like I have no feelings at all. Like an empty shell. It really sucks to feel like this. My depression isn't bad but its still there...lingering in the back ground.

I feel alone, even though my husband is 100% supportive and is trying to understand what I'm going through. I was hoping that these feelings would go away when I started back at my old job, I just don't understand why I feel the way i do? Its hard to get out of bed, it's hard to smile sometimes but I do. And since I'm on the subject..it's damn hard to find a decent psychiatrist. One that will listen and take time with you. I pray that the next one is a good fit.

And the fact that my mom got diagnosed with cancer about 2 months ago is also heavy on my mind, she doesn't look good and I can't even think about it without tearing up :-(

Until I feel better I will fight. I will try and I will make it through each day - one day at a time. After all these feeling are only temporary.



Tuesday, October 24, 2017

October Updates

10-13-2017
You ever think' what is wrong with me today?". Lately that question has run through my mind a lot. I have to make myself do everyday things like cleaning or getting groceries. Working is the hardest part, I work three days a week and twelve hour shifts and the day before ( today) is always the hardest day to get through. It's weird though, cause once I get through that first day im a little bit better.

I've been battling depression and anxiety my whole life. I was diagnosed back in 2011 but I know its been apart of me ever since I can remember. All my sibling, whether diagnosed or not have it. My parents have it and I'm sure it's a long family trait from both sides of my family.

I am here because today it's particularly bad. My house is a mess, my dogs need a bath hell I need a bath but for some damn reason... i don't care. I'm tired of crying, I feel so weak when I do.

I'm seeing a new psychiatrist next Friday. I hope he can help me. I really don't want to take anything because of the side effects. Besides I feel as if I have tried every SSRI out there.

anyways. I'm down three pounds since my last weigh in.


10-24-2017

Hey there,

This is a quick update from the above post.

I am no longer working at that job. I spoke with my department manager and decided to give a notice. I went back to the job I had before this one, the one I was at for almost 5 years...the one I'm comfortable at. Luckily they had an opening so I start tomorrow. For now its evenings until I get my foot in the door then I should get more mornings and full time hours. I got 33 hours this week though...im happy with that now  and I started at the pay I left at:)

So about that new psychiatrist.

I went to the appointment. I filled out my paper work, paid my co-pay and waited. There was nobody there...I mean NOBODY in a pretty big waiting room. They called me back, made me pee in a cup and then lead me to a room to take my vitals.

As I sat there waiting for the BP machine to do its job I heard this man's voice in the hall way complaining about 'rags' "I don't have any rags, they need to keep rags in the rooms at all times" "this isn't acceptable!"  He was really loud and obnoxious. My first thought was "there must be a patient wondering around in the hall way. They should really get him back in his room" gesh...

After my BP was taken a very nice young lady lead me to a typical psychiatrist room and closed the door. I sat down on a comfy sofa with small pillows. I noticed tissues close by and a soothing blue/grey color on the wall.  There was a hug desk not too far from me and half the room was windows.

I sat there maybe 10 mins looking out the window and I could still hear this man in the hall way going on about something else ...  the voice comes closer to my room and a man opens the door IT WAS THE PSYCHIATRIST!!

I thought 'well shit, this is a waste of time' and it was. He didn't listen, he threw a new medication at me and sent me on my way. I came home, found another psychiatrist and made a new appointment...its in January. Oh well...eventually I will find one I like.

I can honestly say as of right now I am content. I feel good but who knows how long that's gonna last before my anxiety or depression come back. If I still feel good in January...I may cancel that appointment.


Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Hello? Was it me your looking for?




I heard that song on the radio yesterday and just had to turn it up.

Good Morning,

or Afternoon I should say. Hope all is well in the blogger world! I know its been a while, but I do think about blogging a lot if that counts? HA ha

Nothing new to report as far as weight loss goes. My weight has been gradually increasing since my last post. I did try  WW'ers back in the spring and went to two meetings and found it so tedious to count points that I quit that,. I wish they give refunds. I also tried countless times to count calories and still just can't bring myself to do it either.

I've come to the conclusion that I've reached a new stepping stone in my life. No more diets, no more rules to shed the pounds. I simple don't have the patience anymore. Im just gonna try to do my best. That's it, whether its walking, strength training or choosing a salad/healthier option .. Im just gonna try. It's that simple. I weighed myself Sunday morning and sometime next month I will weigh again.

So far this new way of thinking is working with my self-esteem and my outlook on just life its self? For the past two weeks I have been walking two days a week and it feels wonderful. A total mental transformation folks. Keep in mind my past weight loss journey, it was a great success. But it didn't hold...this new way of being kind to my self is a mindset that I could get use too.

ok, more later. My sister is coming over so I gotta cut this short.

later gators.


Friday, July 28, 2017

Since My Last Post

Good Evening,

I'm listening to the ATL braves baseball while playing farmtown on facebook, thought I would pop in again.
Farmtown is one of my guilty pleasures. I have been playing that game on and off since 2009. It can be so addictive. Oh and the braves is on because my husband is watching them ( 'cause when I watch them my mind wonders off into lala land, what a snooze fest gesh )

So, on my last post I was blabbering about blood work and alcohol and foot surgery right? I had to lay off the ibuprofen and the alcohol until my next visit. Well, I am proud to say that I haven't had any ibuprofen since that day nor do I tend to. I have learned to live with the pain. I have however had alcohol.... after all when you go to the beach what else do you do besides drink and swim and eat? We went to Tybee Island back in June then a couple of weeks back we went to my beloved Panama City Beach ( gonna live there one day, I promise!! ) Both trips were very fun and so relaxing. There is something about the beach that makes you just care free.

Ok, back to my update. So yeah, I've cut back on my whiskey a lot too...almost completely. After the kids get back in school and they're settled I will go back and get my liver enzymes checked again. She also wants me to do the blood sugar test A1C.  Oh I almost forgot, I am close to being completely off all my anxiety meds yay!! woot woot!. Im slowly coming off my last pill now, I have about a month to go. Im sure that will help my liver enzymes too.

Anxiety and panic attacks are such a mind thing. I mean I can feel an attack coming.  It's hard to explain -it's like I'm in my own head and suddenly a panic rushes through me. My main thought is " I have to leave right now" I can feel my heart pounding and i get very tense. its hard to focus and my breathing is hard and sometimes the room is spinning. But using the tools I gathered from the therapy sessions, I now know what do do.  But I will be honest ..  its difficult sometimes.  I don't have them a lot...about once a month, usually before my period hits. I haven't had any depression since coming off buspar, it worked miracles for my anxiety but really messed with my moods. I took it for about a year and decided enough was enough. It took me about 2 months to come off it slowly. ( I believe in very slowly weaning myself off all medications, I hate side effects) and im so glad I did.

My foot still hurts, but im dealing with it. Yesterday my husband and I tag teamed mowing the front yard. After he was done I realized that my half was going off towards the ditch? Really? ( oh I got him back - I didn't wash any of his close last night teehee..he had no underwear this morning LOL) anyways... so after mowing my half of the lawn my lower back, right hip and of course right foot was throbbing. And I mean a very intense throb! I was pouring sweat thanks to this good ol' GA heat so I jumped in the pool. Yep, didn't even bother putting on my bathing suit..i just jumped in wearing shorts and a t-shirt. If felt SO GOOD. Hey, when your hot and hurting, you really don't give a shit who's looking.

ok..later gators, Gotta go get ready for my 3 day work week.






Friday, June 23, 2017

Hey Ya'll

Hey ya'll!!

Yep, im popping in and saying HELLOOOOOOOOOO

So it's like this. The fat girl that was once on the inside is now on the outside. Yep...she has taken over and I'm fixing to take back what I once was. S*T*R*O*N*G

My fist course of action was getting my blood work to see physically where I was. I got my blood work done last week.and it was better than expected. there are a few things I need to work on but no medication prescribed just yet, but if I don't get my but in gear I will be on some meds.

Im doing good. I had to cut out alcohol and ibuprofen ( my liver enzymes were slightly elevated) so I found some natural alternatives for inflammation that seem to work pretty good. There is no substitute for alcohol (lol) so im just learning to do without that for now.

anyways. I will more than likely have to have surgery on my right foot. My plantar fasciatis is a pain in the but at this point. It comes and goes but never stays away. Im not really very active because of it.

ok..just a quick update. The kids are doing good and the hubby is doing good. :) Im very blessed.

thanks for stopping by,

see ya next time



Friday, March 31, 2017

Self Destructive Behavior

Good Afternoon,

I know...long time no see. But I have a huge amount of rage inside at the moment and what better way to let it all out then to go on my blog right?

So I just left my psychiatrist appointment, he's the one i see every 3 months for my anxiety meds. Well today wasn't a good day to see him. Lately I've been filled with rage, I just got off my monthly ( sorry TMI I know).And let me start off by saying that me and traffic do not blend at all. I have bad road rage...not the 'go to jail type' but I do flip people off and curse. Well traffic this morning was hell in my little town. I was 20 minutes late to my appointment. I've been stressing about my foot hurting so damn much specially after seeing a podiatrist last year that cost me 600$!!! My weight keeps going up and the fact that I can't seem to find pants that looks half way decent on me sucks!  It's just been a lot of things I guess. My depression comes and goes weekly now, another thing I'm dealing with.

So lately I've been drinking whiskey. I know...talk about self destructive behavior. But yes...I've been drinking about 3 days a week. and when I get that buzz...at least for me - I want to eat, so i do. Then I feel like crap and its just a vicious cycle all over again the next day. I've got to get a handle on this or I'm never gonna see 50!! This year I turn 39 and I want to make myself proud and my family. This madness has got to stop and I mean now. I'm not drinking again. Even if I've had the worst day ever at work...there is no excuse. I have to end this cycle.

Next week i go for a physical. I want to see if I'm borderline diabetes and check my cholesterol level. I take a lot of ibuprofen for my foot so liver function raises an eyebrow too. I'm kinda dreading the results but it has to be done. I pray I don't have to take any more medications.

I'm just pissed...my poor husband listens but doesn't answer. He just lets me get it out of my system, he's taken a nap right now..bless him. My kids just look at me like I'm nuts, my daughter (15) will ask whats wrong but then she remembers my monthly was just here. My son just plays his video games and stays clear of me.

I won't cry anymore about this problem I have. It's time to do something about it.

I'm blessed in every way and there is absolutely NO reason for me to be this sad every day. No reason at all.




Sunday, February 26, 2017

February Update

Good Morning,

It's early here, it's a work day for me. I started getting up a little earlier so I can have some quiet time. Yesterday was a long day, well it's always a long day where I work - 12 hour shifts are hard.

February is going good, it could be worst. I can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post but I started doing water aerobics in January, I think I did about 5 classes before I decided to not go. It just wasn't' for me. The good news is that when we get a pool this summer I can workout in my back yard :-).

So when I but down my water aerobics dumb bells I picked up an annual park pass. Yep, I started walking last week. Walked 3 days for 30 minutes, it was so hard at first but that 3rd day got a little easier. I won't walk on the weekends ( my work days) but I aiming for 3 days a week for now.
I won't weigh until the first and as long as I'm not gaining, im satisfied. We went on vacation last week so I'm not really expecting too much weight loss.  When I start seriously easing myself into cutting out more sugar and eating more veggies I will expect more from the scale.
I will update my weight Wednesday.

anyways...that about sums it up. Happy Sunday from Georgia :-)


Temporary Feelings

Hello All, I'm not sure why all of a sudden I started having these terrible symptoms but there just about unbearable. I keep calling ...