Saturday, November 21, 2015

Tired of Pretending


It's 1:30 in the morning and all is quiet. As I type this my wrist is resting on something sticky, probably pancake syrup from my sons relentless habit of eating at the computer even though he knows better not too.

I'm on here because I feel I need to share some feelings I'm having. This blog is about me, my journey,,,  and so far I can't complain. In most people's eyes I have it all. A wonderful family, a fairly decent job and well, our bills get paid so all is good. But since gaining almost all the weight that I've lost back, I'm feeling a cross roads approaching. I know I have to make a choice and it's got to be soon while I'm still considered 'healthy' (no BP problems, no cholesterol probs. no diabetes). The only thing I suffer from is a mental disorder (anxiety/depression) and well, that's all in my head and guess who's the pilot of this

I'm tired all the time now, I get out of breath really easy. It's hard to do simple things like tying my shoes, getting up off the floor and well, this might be too much information but whiping my @ss is getting harder every day. sorry, my mom always told me I can be too outspoken.

A clip from the My Story page. 

" I LOVE life! I think that was my breaking point, my kids and husband are my whole world and I knew i had to make a change or else be miserable the rest of my 'short' life and make theirs miserable too. I was going through life pretending to be happy, when i was not; you can only pretend so long before its starts eating away at you!"

 It's eating away at me and I'm so exhausted from pretending. I'm not happy with myself anymore. I want more out of life and the only way is too take care of myself. My health has got to come first. I know its a weird time of the year to start making changes but I did. I started today. I ate a little less then what I would normally eat. It's the little changes that can contribute into a huge success.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Saturday Update

Good Morning,

I can't wait to hit that time clock at 2:30 today, im already tired. My monthly has hit me hard this time...ugh, just exhausted and kinda anxious. Ladies you know what I'm talking about.

So on my last post I was expressing my feelings toward a field trip..., well the drive went well on the way up there but on the way back I had to use my phone to get home. If anyone has driven in Atlanta then you know about the one-way streets that are so annoying. But I made it back before the buses and had a good time.
Oh and the plays were great. I thought we were seeing just one play but it was 6 small ones. I had a good time but I told my husband later in the day that never again will I drive in Atlanta by myself!

Yesterday I felt so anxious all day, it was mostly my mind racing. I think its my monthly causing it but dang it's annoying. I kept thinking my supervisor was mad at me about something. Of course it was all in my head. I've learned to not give my inner dialog much thought anymore but it's hard to stop it once it starts going.

Also, when I went to lunch a former co-worker who deleted me on facebook was there. Ugh, and of course that didn't help my mind-racing-day either. I swear I think my mind just searches for things to obsess about?

Anyways, that's about it.

Monday, November 09, 2015

Field Trip and Anxious


Today is exciting but I can't help but be a little anxious. I took the day off from work to go on a field trip with my daughter. We're seeing a play and the theater is about a 40 minute drive...and I can't ride on the bus so I have to follow in the car.  I tried signing up as a chaperone but never got a call from the teacher. And when I tried to get in touch with her she never called me back.

You see, the thing is that I don't like driving in unfamiliar places without my husband who usually drives.

I keep telling myself that I will be ok with the drive, I'm following buses, but just in case I have the address in my phone so if I do happen to get stuck at a red light I can still find the place.

sigh...I just wish I wasn't so anxious about it.

Ok, enough about that.

My weight loss is nonexistent at this point. I tell myself that 'one day' I will start but starting hasn't happened yet. I'm honestly tired of thinking about it.

ok, thats all for today, gotta get ready for that field trip. :)

Friday, November 06, 2015

TGIF Update


It's been a while since my last post. I admit that I haven't been getting up earlier enough to get on the internet. It seems the older I get the more I cherish my sleep.

So on my last post I mentioned a new Zumba class, Well, my lazy @ss hasn't been yet...I've been lounging around watching Netflix series. That darn Netflix is so addicting. I'm gonna make a commitment to go this coming up week. I need to see if I'm gonna like it. The least I can do is give it a chance.

Since coming off caffeine my anxiety isn't as bad, I still find myself playing a broken record over and over in my head about stupid thoughts. I have to remind myself to let them go.
On my last doctors appointment he gave me the numbers of a new counseling center that is very close to me, I may call them and just see what they can offer. The last counselor I saw was nice but I don't think I felt comfortable enough to see him regularly? Perhaps because he was a man? IDK, He was really good at explaining things...I just quit going to him. I wish I could find a counselor that specializes in eating disorders or anxiety.

ok...well thats it for now. Gotta get ready for work, with the holidays approaching we're pretty busy.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Morning Musings


I've got today and tomorrow then I'm off on Sunday, sigh...can't wait to be off. I'm not tired really, my job is easy. It just feels like I'm there all the dang time.

So I mentioned in an earlier post that I was experiencing hand tremors, well there gone. It was the stupid caffeine that I was drinking last week. And I wasn't even drinking full strength coffee, just 1/2 decafe mixed in with decaffeinated. It's crazy how sensitive my body is to caffeine. The only caffeine that I get now is through chocolate.

Well, I've got some exiting news. My little towns recreational center is starting Zumba classes two days a week!! I'm joining next week and I can't wait!! I'm hoping it will jump start my motivation to workout again and eat healthy. The two kinda go hand in hand for me. Lately my eating as been disastrous. Pardon my language but I just have a case of the f*ck it's.

I know this blog is about my journey, but I have got to brag about my kids this morning. They are doing so good in school. Dalton is 10 and he just got invited to join Junior Beta Club. His grades have been so good, straight A's on his last report card!! My daughter, Elizabeth, is 13. she is an A + B student and is in marching band.  She just loves it, she gets so excited when she has practice. It's all she talks about.   I just feel so privileged to be their mom, I must be doing something right. :)

They are both growing up so fast, I'm so proud of them.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Im an Owl, Hootie Hoooooo


It's 1:30 in the morning and what am I doing up you say? Well, going to work to pull old sale tags naturally...duh.  ;-)

Luckily I went to bed around 7:30 last night so I got some sleep in. I'm starting to look forward to this early morning shift. I know, call me crazy but when you only working with two other employee's in the whole store its very quiet, and there is no customers. That's even better.

So I went to my doctor yesterday and he wants me to go up on my Zoloft since I'm still experiencing some depression. I've been on the medication for 6 weeks now and I do feel better, I'm still battling a huge loss in motivation.  I'm going to start the new dose today when I get off work around 11 am.

And I mentioned in my last post about my hand tremors. Well come to find out Zoloft can cause that, but it should subside and he also told me that caffeine can make it worse so it looks like I'm going to have to REALLY watch my caffeine consumption.

 I still plan on buying a glucose machine and I'm going to watch my blood sugar. to get this night over with. I love coming home before lunch :-)

later gators.

Monday, October 19, 2015

It's Monday!

Good Morning,

I've got about 4 mins to post a quick update. My baby girl was in her marching band this past Friday night, it was so cold but she held up like a trooper. She absolutely loves it! I'm so proud of her. 

So lately I've noticed my hands getting really shaky, which in turn makes me feel panicky and then I start getting distracted and can't concentrate on my job. I'm thinking it's low blood sugar, so I'm buying a machine and I'm going to test it. If it is low then I will go to the doctor. My mom has hypoglycemia so it's very possible for me to have it too. 

Times up.