Monday, July 27, 2015

Big Fat Fatty

Hi ya folks,

So, before I start. Yes...I changed my blog for 'I think' the last time. Nothing felt right but so far I'm feeling the simple title now.

I also added a due-dad on the side bar for my weigh ins, or shall I say 'upcoming' weigh ins for I haven't set a date yet. I'm just not ready yet...nope, not yet. I'm leaning towards August 1st, not too far away. As of this moment I will remain a big fat fattie. ;-)

But I am getting my mind ready. I'm not eating as much as I was. I'm making myself second guess anything I know I'm not suppose to eat. So that's a start, right?

For instance, yesterday I only ate two cookies instead of half the package.
And I ate a biscuit for breakfast but I didn't even eat any lunch besides three slices of lean deli meat...thats good right? I mean...kinda better I guess.
 oh who am I kidding, who the hell eats a biscuit and cookies while trying to watch their weight....*snort, chuckle

The real reason why I haven't started is because I can't find my damn scale ANYWHERE! I guess I did throw it away? Well I knew we weren't having the best relationship but I don't remember cutting it completely out of my life? 

Anyhoot, I'm buying one tomorrow....along with some tissues to wipe away the tears after I step on it.
JK




Sunday, July 26, 2015

Confession

Morning,

First off I wanted to say that I'm still playing around with a title to my blog, sorry for any confusion.

Confession

I wanted to come clean on here. Every time I announce that I'm going start counting calories something mentally happens to me.

( geez, having trouble spelling this morning, grrr) 

I start off the day good then I will end in a binge. The next day I start over and again - a binge.

This sucks people! I don't like having this crazy relationship with food?  This morning I googled 'how to stop a binge eating disorder' and I found this website. It's a well known website and the author seems to know her stuff. I also found a sentence in there that inspired my new blog title.

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/how-to-stop-binge-eating.html

Yesterday I got that free 15 day trial of Belviq filled, you know that diet pill my doc prescribed me last week, well here's a fact about it that you probably won't find surprising - its expensive! I'm talking 227$ for a month's supply. The Pharmacist did tell me that I could get it for 75$ if I downloaded a care card on the website ( which I did) and I had planned on starting today.

After work yesterday I binged. I ate 2 packs of remain noodles, a bowl of sweet cereal and had like 4 marshmallow cookies...then I passed out on the couch. =( I woke up feeling like total sh*t.

Whats so funny is on the way home I was planning the binge because I knew I was starting that diet pill today.

Well, here's a heads up guys... I'm not starting that expensive diet pill. After reading the link above I decided that I will go to a gym instead and use that money for a personal trainer and some new gym clothes! I've got to get into that life style change mindset and get out of the 'all or nothing' mindset.

ok, I could definitely go on and on this morning but I need to get to work. I just wanted to share my feelings before I go... take it easy guys.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Day One - Success

Morning,

I have 5 minutes to chat. Yesterday I did really well on my life style change. This is what I ate

Jimmy Dean Delight crissandwich thingie with the top bun off, coffee
turkey sandwich, yogurt & lemon water
4 slices of Chicken breast deli meat, 1 slice of provolone cheese
a cup of fiesta chicken ( made with 1/3 less fat cream cheese and hubby didn't even know it, lol)
5 peanut butter crackers (and I watched my PB)
decaffeinated coffee

Not too bad, and I walked for a mile. So I did pretty good =)

ok, 5 minutes is up. Laters...Off to work I go but I'm off tomorrow, yeahya

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Quickie Before Work

Morning,

It's July 22nd, 2015 and I wish I was in bed right now. It's back to reality today, BOOO. I've been on vacation since last Wednesday and boy has it been nice! I don't wanna go back to work =(

I'm suppose to weigh in today on my scale but I can't find the darn thing? I vaguely remember throwing it away...........I think??
I guess I will have to buy a new one. I'm going to go by my doctors weight from yesterday which was the same weight I started with back in May, when I first started taking Phentermine - 248lbs. (sigh) So I gained all the weight back from that stinking diet pill. No more diet pills!!!

ok, off to work


Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Good Things to Come :)

Good afternoon ya'll,

It's been a pretty dramatic day for me. It started with my female exam. As expected, my doctor wasn't happy with my weight gain over the past three years. She asked if I wanted to try a diet pill? I asked "well, what ya got?" She suggested Phentermine I said very kindly 'no thank you' she asked if I wanted try Belviq free for 15 days? I agreed too, But after getting back home and reading reviews  I decided to not take it. I don't need a diet pill - I can do this by myself. The side effects just out weigh the benefits. IMO
She also suggested that I eat 1250 calories a day for weight loss. I said OK but I know that's not realistic for me. 1700 is what MFP gives me and thats what I will start with. I'm getting back on the horse tomorrow with my calories.

But wait, that wasn't the dramatic part of my day!! 

So after seeing the doctor I stopped at a gas station for some gas and a drink and that's when I discovered I didn't have any money, my hubby had my debit card!! I had no money on me and my car was on empty!?!   I decided to try and get in touch with my husband but his phone kept going straight to voice mail. Then our home phone went straight to voice mail. ( I later found out that they were both dead) So I tried to contact him through face book and this time it was my phone that was giving me fits. It kept going to a black screen? WTF?

OMG are you effing kidding me? And did I mention its like 100 degree's here in GA? 

So I turn my phone off and turn it back on and that seemed to do the trick...I got in contact with him and he was there 30 mins later to my rescue.

I tell ya what, I was on the verge of tears before I contacted him. I honestly didn't know what to do? I felt so helpless.. and I don't often feel like that. It's a sucky kind of feeling!

Anyways, I'm ok now...home safe and sound.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Back From the Beach

Good afternoon guys and gals, 

We are back from our little 3 day get away and doing good. We went to the Florida coast to kick back and unwind a bit. It was fun...but damn was it HOT!  I can remember thinking as I lay on the beach, listening to the wind and seagulls that "This is so nice, so peaceful...I wish it wasn't so hot, sigh"  But we had a good time. I was so glad to see my bed though...its always nice to be home.

So, no news on weight loss or workouts except that there seems to be a strong lack of both!! LOL
 I don't know why? I just don't care at the moment to push myself...I'm still on vacation for Christ sake! Actually, I haven't really done a damn thing since I've been off work, except eat, watch TV and sleep. I figure that I only get one vacation from work a year so I might as well sit on my behind and enjoy it!

I have the dreaded 'paper gown appointment' tomorrow. Sigh..ugh. I don't know what's more frightening? The exam or the look on my doctors face when she see's how much weight I've put on, she hasn't seen me in over 3 years :/

Anyways....
Ok..so I decided to NOT go on MFP unless I want to update my ticker that is featured on my blog. I don't know why I find it almost distracting to go on there? Or maybe it's the thought of having to 'log on and click all those damn buttons' just to log my food?  I decided to go back to writing down my calories and weighing once a week. It's the only thing that has worked in the past.  I'm going to buy a snazzy new book tomorrow to write in ( or to just tote around in my purse to remind myself that I need to write in it)

At least that's what I decided to do today :-P

laters...


Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Just 8 More Hours

Morning,

Just 8 more hours until I am officially on vacation! It's gonna feel good to be off for 7 days in a row. Oh what to do with myself? :)

After work yesterday I came home and watched some tv then I fell asleep on the couch. Yeah, I slept for like 2 hours and when I woke up it was way past 7pm. I must of been really tired. I watched some Sons of Anarchy and talked to my hubby for a little while.

Morning thoughts
I'm starting to feel lost again with the whole eating thing. I guess I will always struggle with my weight but I wish I could get the ball rolling on some weight loss. Every time I try counting calories I end up binge eating...so I can't do that anymore. I need a total mind set change on food, right now its for comfort and I just keep getting fatter. It's kinda depressing when I think about how small I used to be and how much control I had. I can do it again, I'm just feeling a little lost right now on how to start? One thing is for sure..I won't give up. I will not give in to this eating disorder.

Work stuff
So I talked to the store manager and yes, I have a pretty good chance of getting the front end position that I so desperately want. Once I get out of the deli and away from food I will be able to really stay on plan with my eating. I just wish the person that is standing in my way would hurry up and find another job. I know that sounds terrible but I can't move until he gives his two week notice. He just graduated collage with a degree in teaching and I know he's been to a lot of interviews but has had no offers yet...I hope he gets one soon.