Friday, March 31, 2017

Self Destructive Behavior

Good Afternoon,

I know...long time no see. But I have a huge amount of rage inside at the moment and what better way to let it all out then to go on my blog right?

So I just left my psychiatrist appointment, he's the one i see every 3 months for my anxiety meds. Well today wasn't a good day to see him. Lately I've been filled with rage, I just got off my monthly ( sorry TMI I know).And let me start off by saying that me and traffic do not blend at all. I have bad road rage...not the 'go to jail type' but I do flip people off and curse. Well traffic this morning was hell in my little town. I was 20 minutes late to my appointment. I've been stressing about my foot hurting so damn much specially after seeing a podiatrist last year that cost me 600$!!! My weight keeps going up and the fact that I can't seem to find pants that looks half way decent on me sucks!  It's just been a lot of things I guess. My depression comes and goes weekly now, another thing I'm dealing with.

So lately I've been drinking whiskey. I about self destructive behavior. But yes...I've been drinking about 3 days a week. and when I get that least for me - I want to eat, so i do. Then I feel like crap and its just a vicious cycle all over again the next day. I've got to get a handle on this or I'm never gonna see 50!! This year I turn 39 and I want to make myself proud and my family. This madness has got to stop and I mean now. I'm not drinking again. Even if I've had the worst day ever at work...there is no excuse. I have to end this cycle.

Next week i go for a physical. I want to see if I'm borderline diabetes and check my cholesterol level. I take a lot of ibuprofen for my foot so liver function raises an eyebrow too. I'm kinda dreading the results but it has to be done. I pray I don't have to take any more medications.

I'm just poor husband listens but doesn't answer. He just lets me get it out of my system, he's taken a nap right now..bless him. My kids just look at me like I'm nuts, my daughter (15) will ask whats wrong but then she remembers my monthly was just here. My son just plays his video games and stays clear of me.

I won't cry anymore about this problem I have. It's time to do something about it.

I'm blessed in every way and there is absolutely NO reason for me to be this sad every day. No reason at all.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

February Update

Good Morning,

It's early here, it's a work day for me. I started getting up a little earlier so I can have some quiet time. Yesterday was a long day, well it's always a long day where I work - 12 hour shifts are hard.

February is going good, it could be worst. I can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post but I started doing water aerobics in January, I think I did about 5 classes before I decided to not go. It just wasn't' for me. The good news is that when we get a pool this summer I can workout in my back yard :-).

So when I but down my water aerobics dumb bells I picked up an annual park pass. Yep, I started walking last week. Walked 3 days for 30 minutes, it was so hard at first but that 3rd day got a little easier. I won't walk on the weekends ( my work days) but I aiming for 3 days a week for now.
I won't weigh until the first and as long as I'm not gaining, im satisfied. We went on vacation last week so I'm not really expecting too much weight loss.  When I start seriously easing myself into cutting out more sugar and eating more veggies I will expect more from the scale.
I will update my weight Wednesday.

anyways...that about sums it up. Happy Sunday from Georgia :-)

Wednesday, February 01, 2017

Hello Again, I'm Still Alive!!

Good Afternoon.

I can't believe my last post was in November of last year. Sorry for the lack of post.

Everything is going good in my life, at least that what I tell myself when I start to feel down. I'm still suffering from depression. It comes and goes, the new job is something I'm still adjusting too. I believe the Depression is coming from my weight though. But on the upside my anxiety is fine. The medicine I take has finely balance me out. Now I need to work on my depression...that means working on myself.

I went for my annual exam yesterday and talked to my OBGYN, she is so sweet and understanding, she listens and offers advice. I just love her. We talked for a while about my weight and I even teared up about how I feel at this point. she prescribed Belviq again and told me to just give it a try, it could be the jump start that I need. She was like a cheerleader lol. After I left there I went to a local walmart to check the price and YIKES, 260$ for one month, no thank you :) So then I headed toward the office supply aisle and picked up a notebook, pen and calculator.'s time to go back to what I know works. counting calories.

So today is day one. I'm not going to come on here and weigh in every week, I won't obsess about a bad day that i've had. I won't beat myself up for not working out everyday like i did in the past. Instead I'm going to focus on everything positive that i'm achieving. I know what's coming because ive been on this journey before. It's hard and it's going to take a lot of patience, but I can do it. I'm tired of being sad and afraid to look myself in the mirror. It's time to face my demons head on. This will be the hardest thing in my life, but for the sake of myself, my kids and my husband I have to do it. I can't go on like this. Life is to short to be this unhappy.

Amy 2/1/2017

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

November Update

Good Morning,

I can't believe how quickly this year is going by? Once Halloween starts it's all about Thanksgiving and Christmas.

We had a good thanksgiving, I was fortunate enough to come home after work and find a kitchen full of food that my amazing husband cooked, and it was so good. It was nice spending some time with the kids for a little while.

My job is going ... well, good I guess. It's getting less painful to get up at 3:45 and work a 11.5 hour shift 5 days a week. (yes we are still working mandatory overtime) We all got great news yesterday (insert a sarcastic grin here) Now they want us to work 6 days a week. Yep, today is my only day off this week...isn't that just wonderful? ( sigh )

But its what I left my other job for and the money is great. But dang...6 days of 11.5 hour days can play a roll on your body. Lets just say Ibuprofen is my best friend right now. The overtime shouldn't last much longer, 3 weeks tops. Im praying anyway.

So since today is my only day off I got a heck of a lot to do this morning before I can relax this afternoon. Christmas shopping, grocery shopping and a little bit of house chores. My kids have been helping us with that, bless their little hearts.

Well just for the heck of it I decided to check my weigh this morning, Im up 3 lbs from my last weigh in from October. I'm sure all the working (aka stress)  and holiday treats are the culprit. I know I wasn't gonna lose anyway... but after this maddening work schedule is over I plan on doing some serious prioritizing in my life. My health will be one of my main focuses come the new year.

Wednesday, November 09, 2016

Update on Yesterday's Post


Im feeling much better this morning. My monthly started yesterday so that explains a lot. I can't wait to clock out at 5:30 this afternoon. Just to sleep in tomorrow sounds heavenly.

ok, later.

Tuesday, November 08, 2016

A New Job Vent


It's 4:40 in the morning and im about ten minutes away from heading out the door to my new job. Well it's not NEW new...I've been there since September 3rd, but I'm still new to it. I haven't really adjusted yet to the schedule and drive. But the money is good.

I'm tired. I'm so tired that it's starting to effect my emotions. I literally feel like crying right now and I don't know why....guess cause im tired and kinda stuck.

When I started this job it was for 3 days a week and 12 hour shifts. I accepted that... but then the holidays started and that 3 days a week has turned into 5 days a week. Those extra two days are 10 hour shifts... And two days off just isn't enough. I'm not the type of person to miss work so everyday it's a struggle. I hear there are still 6 more weeks of this crap.

I'm preparing my mind to just go in, shut up and do it! But I wish someone would tell my body that.

I can't wait to clock out tomorrow, I will be off Thursday and Friday.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Changes Are Good

Good Morning,

It's Tuesday, September 13. I'm just sitting in my pj's relaxing for now.

The past few weeks have been busy - very busy, with lots of changes. But im sure they're for the best.

First let me start by saying I am no longer following WWer's...but I am however just watching what I eat, mainly my portions and I'm still losing weight ( in small increments lol).
And secondly I GOT A NEW JOB!! Yep, after working in a grocery store since 2011 I finally got in at my husbands work and now ride with him to work. I work 3 twelve hour shifts and then I'm done. I have four days to do whatever I need to do..I LOVE IT. My orientation was last week and this week was my first week, it's different then the slow pace at the grocery store but the time seems to fly by. I don't have to wear a uniform and it's a considerable pay increase. This job means a better life for our family.

so ... that's what I've been up too the past few weeks. I will check in soon. Have a great week :-) and thanks for reading.